


All's Fair

by Michelle Christian (movies_michelle)



Category: House
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-25
Updated: 2010-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-06 17:10:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movies_michelle/pseuds/Michelle%20Christian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All's fair in love and war. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference with House.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All's Fair

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leaper182](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=leaper182).



He was horrified the moment he heard the words leave his mouth. He knew he was saying them, yet he could not stop himself. It was wrong, wrong on every level. It went against every instinct he had as a man, and as a self-preserving human being.

"It wouldn't kill you to be a little romantic," Wilson said to House.

Wilson knew he was a dead man.

***

The first indication that something was up was the large, heart-shaped box Whitman's Sampler sitting on his desk. He opened it to find that all that was in it were jellies with a bite taken out of each one.

He cautiously moved to his chair, and breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't see anything in it. He moved to get a cup of coffee and was horrified to find his perfectly normal, lovely Krupps machine replaced by a Hello, Kitty coffeemaker, complete with mugs. No way was he touching a machine with _Princess_ written across the top of it.

He was afraid to look at his office any closer, so he decided to cut his losses and leave as quickly as possible. This might have worked as a plan if he didn't know House as well as he did.

His first patient of the day was Mrs. Levinsky, a sweet, gray haired lady in her 70s. He was talking with her, when he reached in his pocket for his prescription pad and found with it a single chocolate lollipop in the shape of a rose.

"Aw, that's so sweet," Mrs. Levinsky said and reached for it.

"For decoration only. You can't eat it," Wilson said, putting it on her bedside table. Even if it was normal chocolate, he would have said it. Since it was chocolate from a House who was obviously more deranged than normal, he was not positive it wasn't injected with strychnine.

House was a dead man. Assuming House didn't kill him first.

When he was finished with rounds, Wilson made it to the clinic. He saw the big balloon bouquet sitting at the desk well before he got there, and prayed someone's well-adjusted boyfriend had sent them.

"These came for you, Dr. Wilson," Betty said with a wry twist of her lips.

Damn.

"Thanks," he said. He stared at the box the bottom of the balloon strings were attached to.

Cuddy came up, with a malevolent gleam in her eye. "Aren't you going to open it?" she asked.

"No," Wilson said firmly. He was afraid a string quartet playing the Barney song might pop out.

"But it could be something sweet," Cuddy insisted, reaching for it.

Wilson snatched at it before she could open it, and pulled the box slightly open on one side. He quickly closed it, having gotten a glimpse of garters and lots of little hearts. He hoped Cuddy hadn't seen it. "Socks," he said.

Cuddy smirked. "Special plans with House tonight?" she asked innocently.

He started to walk away to an exam room, with as much dignity as he could muster clutching a bright red box with "Be My Valentine!" screamed across it and trailing heart-shaped balloons when his phone rang. He wasn't sure when or how House got a hold of his cell for long enough to change the ringtone to "Love is in the Air," but he'd somehow managed.

"What are you wearing, snookums?" the voice came through on the other end.

"I hope you realize, I'm killing you in your sleep," he told House.

"I'm not sure you're supposed to warn me about that," House pointed out.

Wilson hung up without another word.

That should have been it. House made his point, and Wilson was embarrassed. All in all, like most days. But, of course, House never stopped at enough. Wilson realized this when he opened his locker door before his workout and found himself in the middle of a tidal wave of candy hearts emblazoned with "Be Mine!" and "Hug Me!" which had been stuffed in the top of the locker. He simply sighed and closed the locker back up.

When he re-entered his office, he found four Care Bears with hearts emblazoned on them carefully lined up on his desk facing the door, a single scalpel sticking out of each one's chest.

Wilson did the only thing he could do: he went to his balcony and hopped to House's office.

"If I say that I have been swept off my feet," Wilson asked without waiting for House to turn around from his desk and his game of Minesweeper, "if I tell you you're the Rudolph Valentino of the Tri-State area, will you stop before I lose an eye to a love arrow?"

House stood up and walked towards him. "Hm, I guess I better cancel that archer in the Cupid's outfit, huh?" He then reached up and picked a stray candy heart out of Wilson's collar.

"Those hurt, you know," Wilson said as he leaned in.

"Poor pookie," House said and reached for his hair and kissed him. They both ignored the sound of a few scattering hearts as they dislodged from Wilson's hair and hit the floor.

-30-

**Author's Note:**

> All these products are real, but since this was written and posted in 2007, the links are fried. Too bad, the Hello, Kitty coffeemaker was a wonder of our times.


End file.
